Retro Mondays: Mostly Harmless

So today I want to have a bit of a chat about Elite. I think back to Elite as a magical, almost perfect game - but on reflection this is a rose-tinted reverie, and that's the default setting for anyone who played the game back in the old days.

Sure, it had 3D graphics, using hidden line vectors, which when you consider the platforms it was working on was nothing short of miraculous. In fact, nothing much moved forward in that field until the release of Driller with it's filled polygon structures (and Driller was a crap game as well). I could digress and talk about Starglider, which was a pretty cool 3D wireframe game as well... but Elite was the big one.

Here's the facts though - Elite was, under it all, a pretty boring game. It was, like World of Warcraft, a treadmill the made you fatter. You'd find a trade route and you would hammer it round and round and round to build up the credits to get new stuff. That Type 3 Mining Laser, for example... mining in Elite draws definite comparisons to mining in WoW - it's just grinding for cash. You could buy yourself a Docking Computer, brilliant - the fact about docking in Elite is that you could choose between irritating and frustrating (no docking computer) or get the docking computer and enjoy long winded and dreary docking sequences.

Hey wow, get a Galactic Hyperdrive! Travel to another galaxy, different in every way but its base level of tedium!

Then there were the Vipers. Jesus, guys, I know this is a democratic planetary system, but I'm only trading slaves because there's a demand - maybe you should take a closer look at your own society before judging me. Besides which, if you shoot me out of the sky, then you're also shooting the slaves to oblivion as well. This makes me think that the space police care a little less about the value of human life than they'd like to admit.

And don't even get me started on the fictional missions that the fanboys raved about, where you have to blow up a space station with a special missile. I don't believe it for a second.

The more I think about it, the more I see the parallels between Elite and World Of Warcraft, they attract a certain kind of player - players like me, who's CV could include the words "Paddy greatly enjoys performing repetitive tasks". But despite the joy of playing both games for hours upon endless hours there is one major attribute both games have, and it's this - I've never reached L80 in WoW, and I never ever reached the rank of Elite.

I guess that I'm actually just bitter. Braben and Bell laid the groundwork for so much that followed, and made an entire generation of young men fat and sunlight-intolerant. The way the galaxies were generated algorithmically from seed values was a moment of genius in a time when 16K was considered a lot of storage. Graphically, it was a revolution. Even the marketing was a new level in the world on computer games, including a science fiction novella by Robert Holdstock in the packaging, and offering a prize for the first person to reach the legendary rank of Elite.

Damn it Elite, you're a bad wife. I love you even now, but I still want to smash you with a shovel.

Love on the Battlefield

I'm a Call of Duty freak. A CODHEAD, as we're commonly known. I don't know why I find it so compelling, but the idea of levelling up and getting those sweet sniper headshots from a mile away just pushes my gaming buttons no end. I love it. That competitive edge, that repetitive yet changing environment and circumstances make for a gaming experience I love, and enjoy thoroughly.

The problem is, is that COD has thrown down a gauntlet of massive proportions. So solid in it's approach, so thorough in it's fairness and balance, it's often hard to even consider anything else when looking for the definitive FPS Multiplayer experience.

But over the Summer I, like most people, took a little chance on a curious little game on the Xbox Live Marketplace, known as Battlefield: 1943. 3 Levels, one mode, a little slice of WW2 Multiplayer for people to dive into. The developer DICE hoped for moderate success, fully unaware of it's impending success. In fact, they were so unsure of it doing well, they offered an incentive: if the community reached 43 million kills, they would unlock another level. Expecting this to take months, and to perpetuate the game, and hopefully help it gather momentum.

They did it in 4 days. It went on to be one of the biggest-selling Downloadable games of the modern age, and a benchmark in bitesize gaming.

So now it's DICE's turn to bring the next thing to the table. Enter Battlefield: Bad Company 2...

And it's brilliant. It's different, it's solid and it's damn playable. So far, I'm a few levels into the single-player, which I'm currently enjoying. Well-crafted level design, good weapons and excellent destructibility in the levels means the game is an enjoyable and satisfying experience. The story is relatively interesting, and the dialogue is nice and snappy. It's not ground-breaking, let's not get that misunderstood, but it is good. It's not going to win any innovation awards, but it's a fantastic excercise in gameplay and of solid shooting mechanics.

It's the multiplayer where things start getting really interesting. Clever game modes, incentives to progress and maximum carnage ensue for a difficult but rewarding experience.

The vehicles are fantastic. The UAV helicopters, the tanks, the quad bikes. Fantastically balanced. Tanks are tough, but a clever-thinking engineer with an RPG can take them out easily enough. All the weapons are nicely balanced, The Sniper Rifle's trajectory means that shots have to be aimed above the head, varying on the distance. The classes skills are all valuable, with each being important. All in all a well-rounded and deeply satisfying little shooting jaunt, and one which I look forward to investing some time into in the near future.

I Would Like To Pre-Announce My Disappointment With Portal 2

This was a triumph, I'm making a note here, huge success. It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.

And that summarises the original Portal experience. A game of remarkable simplicity, but it is easy to argue that it's a perfect gaming moment. You could complete it without giving up your life. It had humour running all through it, but it was no joke. GLaDoS, your passive/aggressive computer opponent was one of the most magical and terrifying characters in video game history, like a cross between HAL9000, Norman Bates and Nurse Ratched.

Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said "Goodbye" and you were like "No way!" And then I was all "We pretended we were going to murder you?" That was great!

I don't know one gamer or non-gamer who played Portal and wasn't totally enthralled, entertained, and astonished by it. But for all the humour, and fantastic characterisation, and falling in love with a cube with a heart on (admit it, when you threw bits of GLaDoS in the furnace, you thought "this is for my Weighted Companion Cube, you bitch!" each time) - this wasn't what made Portal the amazing game that it was (and still is).

Remember the first time you flung yourself across the room using a gravity-throw?

That's what made Portal the game it was - not just gravity throws, but the underlying mechanics of the whole game. The basic physical game concept. Combine that with the impeccable learning curve of the game - by the final level you found yourself doing things you could not have imagined yourself doing even five levels previously - and you see why Portal rightly deserves to be treated as a classic in every aspect of its design.

Well, you found me. Congratulations. Was it worth it? Because, despite your violent behavior, the only thing you've managed to break so far... is my heart. Maybe you could settle for that, and we'll just call it a day. I guess we both know that isn't going to happen.

And now they're making a sequel. I'm making a prediction here, massive failure. Not because the game will be bad. Simply because all of the things that made Portal work can't work again. Unless they have come up with some incredible new mechanic, something completely unique, something that isn't just an extension of Portal. Thing is, if they've come up with that... it shouldn't be a sequel to Portal. It should be its own thing. To put it another way: If Portal 2 is good enough to be a sequel to Portal, what the hell is it doing being a sequel to Portal?

Cake, followed by grief counseling, will be available at the end of the testing period.

I hope I'm wrong, I really do, but I'm older and more cynical now. I believed in the cake once, and I don't think I would believe in it a second time.

Portal 2 Announced

Valve finally came out with it. An announcement we've all been waiting for.

Yep. Portal 2 has just been announced. Announced for Christmas this year, the game will be a sequel to the life-changing, medium-altering, genuinely funny original. I remain slightly skeptical, however, as it's hard to see how they can improve or even equal the ingenuity and general suprise of the original.

Then again, it is Valve.

PS3 Servers Down. Modern World Collapses.

Last night and this morning, the PSN network has been witnessing catastrophic errors. The vast majority of PS3 owners have been unable to access the PSN. Even more worryingly, some gamers have been telling forums and message boards that not only could they log on, but the errors have erased achievements, and even saved games.

This is when the PS3 needs to shine. Heavy Rain is killing it in the shops, and people are buying consoles just to play this game. Come on Sony, keep it together and stay strong.

The problem is largely ok now. I've logged on today with no problems, so you should be alright also. If not, vocalise your opinions. Like this guy:

Stick that in your hype.

There's a lot to be said for hype. It can - unfairly, developers would argue - turn a game into an utter disappointment when really it is deserving of praise and positive recognition. But let's get one thing straight: 'hype' isn't something that happens in magazine previews, sneak-peek podcast discussions or screenshot releases. Hype is internal. Hype is all created by us, the people who want to play the game. Whether it's through playing a demo and being convinced the game can live up to it, or through reading other people's impressions and coming to our own conclusions. We make our own beds, and we can't be too upset when they turn out to be lumpy. Or something.

So what's my hype this week? Well, unsurprisingly, it's Heavy Rain. The game is currently installing and I've been sat in front of my PS3 getting far too giddy for my own good. So much so that I started to ask myself why. I think overall it's because I'm expecting a game that I will at least regard as "very good indeed", but surely there's more to it than that? I knew Modern Warfare 2 would be "very good indeed" in a lot of ways, but frankly didn't give a fuck when it was released. And I enjoyed the first one.

I'm starting to think we attach a bit more than just the expectation of a good game to our internal hype engines. Heavy Rain, for example, is the spiritual successor to a game that I and my new group of university friends gathered around for over a week as we took turns playing it, occasionally mocking the acting or story, but always enjoying the experience. Battlefield: Bad Company 2 is another game that I'm excited about; not because the shooting feels really natural and rewarding, not because the levelling-up and system and classes are expertly balanced, and not because it's a teamwork-based shooter on large maps. It is all of those things, but that's not why I personally am looking forward to it.

Forcing myself to really meditate what it is that's getting me all in a kerfuffle reveals that it's the social experiences I've enjoyed in previous Battlefield games that add such weight to the games on a personal, emotional level. Yes, I may have only been discussing the latest superhero movie or the hilarity of Man United's most recent defeat, but they were experiences I enjoyed thoroughly. Here I was, doing something that I list as probably my favourite hobby (when the right game is involved), and I was sharing that experience with other people whose only reason to feel any connection to me whatsoever was our mutual enjoyment of something and our ability to have pleasant conversations with strangers.

So the next time one of your friends tells you something was "too overhyped" or "didn't live up to the excitement", give them a swift kick in their friendly parts and scream "You're overhyped!" at a socially unacceptable volume. After all, there's an absolute shit-ton of hype to be found about any game in existence, and it's usually the hypee choosing to filter information about their particular game from the noise of the internet age, that causes this "hype" we speak of.

This post also appears on bitsofjoy.com

Heavy Rain Supplies More Of A Drizzle

Adverts EVERYWHERE. I swear my parents have seen the adverts in between Coronation Street. Youtube are pushing it heavily, it really is being perpetuated by a massive media presence. I suppose I shouldn't of been suprised when yesterday I went into the city, unable to find a single copy of the game in any retailer.


Completely sold out. Everywhere. In modern times, this is amazing. Going off personal experience, most retailers and game companies see a game selling out as a bad thing. There is no real positively good press gained from this, and I'm pretty sure that developer Quantic Dream would much rather give up that notoriety and place the game in the sweaty hands of the waiting masses.

Modern Warfare 2. The most successful game of all time. Not even sold out in the slightest, on any format. The demand was met in spades, with all retailers pushing it hard. Not even relatively niche titles such as Darksiders sold out, with limited stocks. In fact, in the past six months, the only game I can really recall selling out is Just Dance for the Wii. At Christmas time, with the demand of obnoxious mothers and snivelling kids reaching fever pitch, it is to be expected that such tripe shovelware can shift a few units.


But this is different. Sony is pushing the entire console onto the masses with this. 'A revolution in gaming' and 'unlike anything you've ever played before', Sony is playing straight hard-ball with this game, and has made sure that this game absolutely blasts into the stratosphere as far as hype and media attention are concerned. So then, it makes logical sense they would provide more than enough stocks for stores, confident in it's ability to sell well?

If all this is true, then the game is truly selling out, and that is exciting.

My copy is waiting for me at home, and I can't wait. I ended up getting it from Toys R Us. Figured not that many kids are into their hard-boiled, detective quick-time adventures.

Retro Mondays

Speaking with friends, I was suprised about how all our game uprbringings were different. Upon reflection, it's hardly suprising. As youngsters, most of us had few options for games. Less advertising, less word of mouth and less media meant our decisions weren't as well-informed. We also didn't have the luxury of buying games on a regular basis, and most of us relied on Christmas and Birthdays to furnish us with those cartridges of joy. With such limited choice and access to games, a lot of us missed some absolute gems.

So when I had a recent conversation with other enthusiasts, imagine my horror when not only had they never played of some of my treasured childhood games, they'd often never even HEARD of them!

Same goes with films, and TV. We all grew up our own way, and some of us might have missed some absolutely unmissable media.

This will not do.

So every Monday, to cheer up the back-to-work ethos of us all, Gainboy will speak about nothing but Retro. We'll reignite some good 'ol fashioned nostalgia, and maybe sneak in a few games into your retro must-play pile.

Shovel Ware Shovelling

I've just got back from a weekend break from Edinburgh, where my patient girlfriend had to earn her Topshop Bag-Holding time by helping me scour the second-hand game shops for bargains, but what a crock of shite!

Recently, I've noticed the quality of second-hand, last-gen games dip beyond all recognition. The amount of times I've walked into a Gamestation or CEX, only to be confronted by a 12-strong Gamecube section, filled with such delights as Rayman, or XXX BMX. Geeeez. How much must they get for trading that in?!?! 50p? Yet still the shelves are full of it!

Complete respect to the Edinburgh Gamestation. They had a retro floor, full of older titles, and even boxed Gameboy games, which is always lovely to see. But am I asking too much to find a little PS2 copy of 'Ico' tucked away? I think not!

Maybe this is the eBay effect. The people owning these games anyway are clearly knowledgeable enough to know that they'll get more for it on the 'bay than trading it in to 'the man' for a couple of quid. Shame, as I REALLY don't want to be spending 60 quid on that Gamecube copy of Twilight Princess...

To Wii or not to Wii?

2nd Blog in, lets see how it goes.


Now this is a rant about the general public still Wii bashing in regards to amount of poop that's been released for it.
Now i can call a spade a spade and yes there has been a fair 'ol amount of poopins that has grace Nintendo white cash machine but I'm here today to point out the sweet chunky nuggets of gold!!

"God the Wii's shit, theirs nothing out for it" Ive heard Johnny Joe public cry, like any console 90% of titles released onto any platform are indeed shit. The good stuff finds itself cast aside to make room for e.g little land pet shop snuggle-bumfarm 2, the REALLY good stuff never gets a) released in this country and b) if it does you've gotta hunt to find it. NOT GOOD ENOUGH !!!
Wheres the marketing for these gems Nintendo, you say you're old school, true to the fans and yes i know that companies have got to make profit and everyone bows to the mighty dollar but COME ON!.

Check these =

• Okami - Amazing Delicious Japanese style, nobody bought it.




• A Boy and his Blob - brilliant re imagining of the NES classic, didn't sell




• Madworld - gory, grizzly, nasty, bloody aahhh nope




• Murimasa : The Demon Blade - wow! gorgeous amazing graphics, mmm nothing




• Tatsunoko vs. Capcom - We needed this shot in the beat'em up arm, they didn't !!




• Dead space extraction - great on rails title, scary game, an even scarier amount sold




• House of the Dead : Overkill - like a superb tarantino movie, that no-one watched




• Little king's story : intriguing attractive RPG that dropped off the earth




• Deadly Creatures - This creative but odd title had promise but disappeared.

I do love deep and challenging games which the Wii has offered with mainstream success, the likes of New Super Mario Bros and Super Mario Galaxy have kept me going, but i do like to take bites out of niche titles now and then. My small list of gems mentioned above are the types are things that we need to encourage Wii owners to seek out.

These unique Wii only titles are becoming a double edged sword for the platform. 3rd parties are releasing these ditties onto a console which people are only buying for plastic boards and generic sports games. At the same time losing money hand over fist as they don't sell as well as their flashy 1st party brothers.

In summary we now know which direction Nintendo has chosen - how long have we got until these hidden treats are no longer available to us in shiny white boxes. Just a matter of time. So i ask you - find the games that matter, buy them, enjoy them make the Wii a console that counts for something.

At least No More Heroes 2 is out soon ( ahh poo, Q3 but still)

Long live the Wii in 2010 !!!

Robert Ashley vs Hot Chip

Twitter is a marvellous thing. Full of people telling you what they had for dinner, bragging about their baller lifestyle and going on THE BEST NIGHTS OUT EVA!!!11!! What it's missing, though, is beef. Good old-fashioned snap-judgement statements.

Cue Robert Ashley, former 1up and GFW contributor, and current producer of the excellent 'A Life Well Wasted' podcast, laying into Geek-Pop outfit Hot Chip. Recently reposting an article on Pitchfork about them, he called them 'the Spinal Tap of Pop'. Others followed suit, and accused them of being 'unbelievable, especially if they're taking themselves seriously'.

Hot Chip somehow saw this, and Joe Goddard, one-half of the songwriting team, waded in. With suprisingly good grace. Goddard commented on Ashley's 'Twitter-Bitching' by complementing him on his band, I Come To Shanghai. The two then worked out their differences by mutual backslapping, and are now the best of friends.

Twitter. Uniting unlikely geek couples throughout the world

Dante's Inferno- Half Finished?

So yeah, Dante's Inferno.

I bought this game on a complete whim. I had some money left on my Gamestation card, and I thought it'd be worth a shot. Was it? Kinda.

However, it is SO LAZY in it's final stages. The final bosses, the final level designs, the in-between platforming sections. It's just...incomplete. The final, final boss is a complete let-down. No spoilers, natch, but the initial Overseers of Hell are fantastic. Minos, Cleopatra, Antony. All fantastically done, and on a par with obvious influence God of War, but as the game progresses, it gets worse.

Visceral Games, this isn't how it's done.